Sunday, August 21, 2011

Discover | the mental wake-up call

In my version, the "f" doesn't stand for "freaked out". lol.  That was a nervous lol in case you missed it.  The last few days / weeks / months have taken their emotional toll on me and I don't know how much more I can cope with. I have had to take a good hard look at what I have on my plate, and some things I have had to let go of to save my sanity. Obviously there are some things I cannot give up, like work and running a household doing a little around the house. What a shame we need money to survive and its socially unacceptable to live in squalor.

This Friday, things came to a head. I had my first anxiety attack. At work. In my boss's office. I could feel a rush of heat rise up my chest and into my neck. I started doing the ugly cry and hyperventilating. I was boiling hot and didn't even realise I'd stripped off my jacket and scarf (thank goodness I didn't go further). I couldn't articulate a single word, and I really wanted to get it out. Nothing. He was worried and wanted to know where my ventolin was. That wasn't going to help. I needed to cry. Poor man. For the rest of the day I had the puffiest eyes, no makeup and a throbbing headache. I looked stoned. I could barely keep my eyes open.  Driving home was a struggle. Seth came home from school shortly after and gave me a cuddle. I slept. A migraine developed. I took some pain killers and slept more. In total, I had nearly 15 hours sleep. I needed it desperately.

Obviously this is a wake-up call. I have decided to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself, so that I can concentrate on getting better.

After nearly three years on the Scrapware team, I have decided to step down.  I really enjoyed my time on the Scrapware team and with Ange, but I just haven't been in a great creative space.  Ange has a great DT and I know they will create gorgeous work for her. I just can't at the moment.

My business Storyboard Kits, has suffered. I have just enough energy to go to my paying job each day, and then nothing left to give of an afternoon for my business.  I have decided not to release a new kit until 1 October. There's some stuff I need to sort out from the last kit, and hopefully that list will be clear this week. I need to read and respond to a heap of emails. I have disappointed a few customers and that breaks my heart. I feel like a complete failure.

The next area I need to look at is my sketch site, Inspired Blueprints, and the commitments I have to some scrapbooking magazines. Once I've figured out what I'm going to do, I'll let you know.

I will be continuing my blogging. This is one area I feel like I have complete control!

I need to look at the positives. Here's the stuff that keeps me going:
  • family. I have the best hubby in the world, and two children who love me and I adore.
  • friends. They know exactly when to call, or when to drop around a block of chocolate.
  • blogging. I love the mental download and the support from my bloggy friends.  I love that I can blog and tweet from the comfort of my bed.
  • work. I'm thankful that despite the crap I've been putting my boss through lately, he still defends me.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm hoping that I won't have another anxiety attack any time soon...too scary to think about.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again...depression is evil! If you are waiting on something from me, please be patient.

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